Retreat

Man, It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote anything on here. Currently in Korea sitting in a semi shared room with my brother. The only thing keeping us semi divided is this slider window type door. I’m not even sure why the room was designed like this since I can hear everything in his room and vice versa (so basically no privacy). I felt the need to write on here since my mind has been going through so much the past months, days, hours, minutes …

I’ve been going through a lot. I mean it, a lot in the past couple of months. I felt more alone than I ever did and extremely hopeless. I felt like I couldn’t reach out to anyone or even just talk about what was going on that was causing me this pain in my heart. Even when there were friends who were telling me to “speak up”, or be more confident in myself, I couldn’t reach out to them. I felt like it wouldn’t be genuinely heard. Everything that happened to me just felt like I deserved it and I shoulda been better or stronger. I didn’t notice this but slowly I noticed that I was losing my self confidence. I was becoming more and more weak and putting myself down. I had no energy and neither any hope in friends or people. I want to put faith in Christ which I should but even then, I felt like God wasn’t there.

This was definitely adversity that I was going through and a trial that God was putting me through. I ask him, what was this for? What was this going to help me with? God help me see the way you want me to go. May I not stumble so hard again where I can barely stand for myself. I felt too weak and pathetic. God, I love you and I want to be closer to you. Forgive me when there were times I walked away from you when I should have gone to you instead. I am weak and need your guidance, always.

I’m really hoping this Korea trip can be a stepping stone, not just for having a good time, but a growing time. I want to remember that life is a journey that you continue to go. There will be others telling me to grow at their speeds and those who will judge me for what I believe is true but can I have the strength to hold onto my foundation. Whether that is the foundation of Christ or also the journeys, memories, and experiences that lead me to this point. May I no longer chase that fun life the little boy wanted but become a true man, destined to be able to lead.

There will be trials again when I go back to the states and many things I don’t want to deal with like the driving, traffic, the lack of walking due to the stinky and nasty public streets, the paid parking everywhere, the smelly gyms, on and on and on. Let me remember the good times in the bad times and fight them with the goals that I want and push through the hard times. There will be days I will look back at the hard work and enjoy.